I feel like I left things here on something of an ominous note last time, and then didn't speak for about two months. The problem is that I actually have things to do with my time now, so I'm not sitting around moping or writing blog entries. I'm working.
Having a job makes a big difference. My energy is being used to perform tasks and interact with others rather than overtweak poetry and hate myself. Of course, it also means that I'm not writing as much poetry, so even happiness is a little bit sad. I'm trying to figure out how to balance everything right now, so I can do what I need and still do what I want.
Other things are happening, too. Living with my parents has been tough, especially with my dementia-addled grandfather there, as well. I never got along with him, he was always the typical patriarch/angry old man, and that persona coupled with the fact that he had no idea who I was anymore, or that he was in our house instead of his own, made things near unbearable at times. However, he still managed to be funny or nice once in a while, and that helped to keep everyone going.
Last week we moved my grandfather to a Veteran's nursing home up in Sandusky. On one hand, it needed to be done. Everyone in the family was wearing out and, especially after I got a job, it was hard to figure out who was going to watch him when so we could all get things done with out lives. On the other hand, it's heartbreaking to see what was such a strong man be reduced to the lifestyle and mindset of a small lost child. No one really knows how to feel about him leaving. You almost can't enjoy, or don't even want to enjoy, your new-found freedom due to the guilt of how you've obtained it.
Even so, it feels like some kind of heavy black cloud slowly dissipating over my head. Things aren't great, but they're ok, and they could quite possibly get a whole lot better later on. So hopefully I can keep the good trend going.
