Saturday, October 23, 2010

This is About Non-Love

We're going to have to start on a sour note, as I've recently discovered that the guy I'm in like with is in what appears to be a bit more than like with someone else.  The real problem is that I know the likeage was mutual at one point, but due to a combination of my horrendous relationship skills and my leaving the state he has, quite reasonably, moved on.  I have a sense of mini-loss about this, kind of how you would feel if you didn't get into the school you wanted, only instead of getting rejected, you had just neglected to send in the application and realized a  couple weeks after the deadline had passed what you did and that you were shit out of luck.

My romantic past isn't exactly rife with failure, but only because it isn't exactly rife with anything.  The only time I was asked out before college was by a guy who was doing it as a joke to his friends (I was pretty bottom of the barrel back then, I like to think I'm at least middle of the barrel now).  Things did not improve when I got to college, where the number of suitors increased, but the quality remained frighteningly low.  Seriously, if there was any sort of unsavory character on campus, he wanted me, which prompted my roommate to come up with the "5 and below" theorem, stating that any man ranking 5 or below on a scale of 1-10 would ask me out.  All of this did wonders for the self-esteem.

There were one or two precious exceptions to this rule, but in these cases my own terribly stunted social skills would inevitably cause them to give up on me.  I often find it hard to believe when a decent fellow takes an interest in me.  I feel that I must be misunderstanding the situation, that they are simply being friendly, and that any attempt on my part to take things further would be met with both confusion and revulsion.  Also, I am particularly backward when it comes to affection of any sort.  The root of this problem has been cause for much speculation amongst friends and family members, and I myself am not even sure what the deal is there, but in any case, it makes for slow going in a relationship.  In short, I require persistence.  As of yet I've not found a man who deems me worthy of such persistence, but I'm hoping there's one out there somewhere.

Of course, I'm also trying to work on being less of a borderline hermit, so maybe that will help things along.  I mentioned this to my parents the other day, and my dad said, "I'm praying for you that you'll find your someone special."  Really?  Now higher powers are involved, at the beseechment of my own father?  My dignity wept.

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